Dr. Cale’s Blog

Here’s the bottom line:  Lots of words…means the words get diluted.

The tendency is to think that words change behavior.  Let’s be real about this…if words worked…I (and all other Psychologist) would be out of business…

If words are constantly flowing out of your mouth…you will find several things unfolding over the years.  These will be….

• You have to use more and more words to get things done
• Your words seem to have less impact
• You feel like you can never just ask once…and get it done
• You have to raise your voice, and end up threatening to get the kids to listen
• Your kids use words to AVOID taking the ACTIONS you would like them to take

 Thus, all of these are signals that words MUST FOLLOW your actions…not your actions (i.e., what you model…and the consequences you implement) following lots of words.

When you can really grasp the power of this, it puts you on an entirely different level of respect with your children.  I know of no single concept which, when mastered, brings you more return for your investment.

It requires that you remain impeccable in your own actions…and that you ensure that you walk your talk.  We then must model the very actions we seek from our children.  Next, we must learn to focus on the events (consequences) that follow their actions…and understand that such actions will teach much better than our words. 

 If we walk our talk and live in that space…we see our children actually “get it.”  And, they get it with much less drama, significantly less words, and they find their way much more quickly.  Test it…and see what happens!

Are You Really Ready To Help Your Kids Have Fun?  It’s time for summer fun…and we are all outside a bit more, going places with the family more, and ultimately…having more time with the kids. Many of us make a critical mistake however…as we begin to plan the summer.I am often working with parents who are struggling with their child’s behavior…and many at-home parents find that things really get worse with the kids home all the time. These same parents get frustrated with how hard they work to create summertime fun, while their kids whine, complain, and even tantrum through days of endless summer fun.

Today, I am going to talk about the “Readiness Test” to have fun. In a day or so…I will be back to talk abut the 3 strike rule, and how it helps! Read more »

Two weeks ago, a 5 year old tantruming about apple juice forced an emergency landing of a flight headed for North Carolina out of NYC.   See details here:

http://www.nbc10.com/news/13575254/detail.html

Okay, this is where I have both compassion, and shock. 

 It is likely that this child was so far out of control…that no one felt that they knew what to do.  I have been there…and see kids turning white and parents afraid they will pass out.  You and I have both seen embarrassed parents who just don’t know how to handle their tantruming child! 

The good news is that this was the “Grand Performance” that occurred after many dress rehearsals. 

In other words, this child has tantrumed many, many times before and mom and dad just haven’t handled it well.   The “dress rehearsals” have happened at home, at the grocery store, the park, and maybe even at pre-school. 

 When behavior is extreme, it can be scary…but it doesn’t change the approach.  Some of you have worked through such difficult challenges with your children by using solid approaches that really work.  It would be great to share with other parents the sense of optimism (AND RELIEF) that comes from discovering that things do get better with a change in strategy!

Randy Cale, PhD
 

Here I was, in the autumn of my life, at the point where I could see the light at the end of the tunnel of raising my 3 kids (teenagers) when one fall almost 4 years ago, I found myself expecting!  I have heard a variety of comments and advice (not all good) so I decided early on to take a very positive attitude. Since I had been a parent for over 20 years now- I have the benefit of knowing some of the mistakes I made in focusing on some of the wrong things (”weeds” as Dr Cale would say). I definately treasure this time even more as I carry my little one up to bed, I recall carrying my son to bed for the last time when he was 6 now that he’s 20 and almost 6ft tall! One of the coolest benefits, is that I get to “re-teach” my older kids what I wish I had said or done  with them when they were younger.  

      I have tried a variety of things to get my three year olds sleep regulated and it seems she is in between needing and not needing a nap. I have tried to get her up earlier, intending to get her to bed earlier, but usually she can’t make it to bedtime. Then if she takes a nap she won’t be ready to sleep til 11 or later! I try not to travel with her in the car afternoons or evenings because she falls asleep. 

 Ideas???  Help???

I applaud your parenting! It is a very hard thing to admit “our babies” can be less than perfect, but by recognizing it, you now have the opportunity to emphasize the valuable lessons you are focusing on. By accepting the criticisms of those in proximity of your kids (when offered in a caring mannor) you were modeling respect as well! Practicing what you preach…well done!

During the recent February school vacation week, I took my first vacation, without my kids, since long before my divorce 5 years ago.  My sons spent a wonderful week with their father and his girlfriend skiing in Vermont.   After the vacation and during the first 15 minutes that I was re-united with my sons they told me that their dad and his girlfriend were getting married.  They recounted “the proposal” on Valentine’s Day and that they would be the ring bearers in the wedding ceremony.  I expressed great happiness to my sons and told them how wonderful it is to find someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with.  I think my show of delight at my ex-spouses engagement set my sons minds at ease.  So much so, that they began to express concerns about their father moving to the next town and how would he bring them to school sometimes and that his new fiances house didn’t have their bedroom set up yet…etc.   After I re-assured them of their concerns, their minds turned to me!  They began questioning when I would get married. Why would I not marry my boyfriend now and how wonderful it would be to have 2 additional brothers in the household to play with.  I talked to them about the importance of committment and that it takes awhile to be sure that you love someone so much that you want to marry them. 

I wonder what others have said or done in divorce situations?   How have you handled emotions and strategies about talking to your kids about your divorce or re-marriage?  I wonder how my sons will grow up in world of divorced and blended families?  Will they really ever learn about committment, honor and most importantly love?

On Dr. Cale’s website about divorce, I read this little bullet which stuck with me:

Why a Powerless Parent, Like Alec Baldwin, Reacts with Anger!

(And How Children Learn To “Tune-out” Powerless Parents.)

In a research article published in the journal, Child Development, the authors explored the ways in which children learn how to respond when parents behave in powerless ways. In this article, I will explain the specific implications of these findings for parenting, and for the recent fiasco between Alec Baldwin and his daughter.

These findings serve to highlight and support a conclusion that I have observed for years with parents:

When parents feel they have lost control, they compensate with controlling, power driven strategies that only serve to make the situation worse.

Powerless Parents Use Exaggerated Tactics

Read more »

Okay, I want to begin with a warning.  This is the second in a series of articles on optimism and happiness, and how we can achieve our goals and really live our dreams. 

However, this article will not appear to be about optimism initially.  Keep reading please, as it is critical to get that this concept of false hope destroys dreams, and undermines any chance of real happiness.  Read more »

I recently had an experience with my sons teacher that ended up disconnecting parent teacher communication. At my request and the teachers agreement we kept in contact and I was regularly informed of my sons concerning behavior at school. This was the way it was until the teacher took a suggestion of how to avoid a problem very personally. The teacher took things so personal that at their request there will no longer be communication regarding my son unless it is very serious. I would like to connect with my sons teacher without drama. Shouldn’t it be about teaching well and not about personal feelings.