Afraid To Fly
by Mama Bear NYC
I’m posting with regards to the family that was thrown off of the airplane due to their three year olds’ tantrum. The posts I’ve read regarding this incident (and believe me, there are THOUSANDS) are really disturbing. The majority believe that the airline acted appropriately, which in it of itself may be fine, but the reasons for which people are agreeing with them is what’s frightening.
On behalf of the crew, I’m sure they did (or at least I hope this was their reasoning) what they thought was the best when considering the safety and comfort of all over 100 passengers aboard the aircraft, not just the family in question. However, it seems as though the general consensus of most people that are posting on this topic is that the parents are horrible parents, the child is a brat, and asking them to get off the plane and giving them free tickets to use at a later date was letting them off easy. Ouch!
The anger in most of the tones of these posters tells me how much people dread flying amidst families, and let me say, that as a parent with two small children, that worries me. To hear the people say how much they hate all these “screaming brats” aboard airplanes and how they don’t deserve to fly, and that families should drive everywhere, etc, etc. (yes, these are actual quotes from the various postings I’ve read) shows me how self-absorbed and intolerent people have become. Believe me I, too, have been “bothered” by a disruptive child in public, but isn’t it important to try and imagine what those parents are going through and that maybe a little understanding and patience would be more helpful in a situation like that rather than being so hateful towards them? Maybe they’ve been traveling a while and the child is tired? Maybe the child isn’t feeling well or is scared to death? Who knows what was going on in that childs’ mind, she’s only 3! But I’m sure if it was that extreme the parents were doing everything possible to try and remedy it. To call them names and question their parenting skills based on what could be one isolated incident (of which no one that has posted was actually in the presence of) is so wrong and cruel. I don’t doubt that it was a tense and aggrivating situation - for all involved, but lets not bash this family seeing as though we don’t know every last detail leading up to and after this incident occured.
From my own experiences as a parent I can see how it would be hard to get a situation like that under control when you’ve got hundreds of people around you giving you the evil eye and feeling all their hostility and tension towards you and your child. What a horrible vibe! And then you’re supposed to try and ignore all that and concentrate on making your child feel better and behave? Talk about pressure! I don’t want to sound like I’m making excuses, who knows, maybe they are horrible parents? Maybe their child is a brat? Maybe they’re not familiar with Dr. Cale’s Terrific Parenting techniques? =)
I don’t know because I wasn’t there. But I will be in a few days. I’m flying to Orlando from NYC with my 2.5 year old and my 6 month old and on the return flight I’ll be alone (my husband will be staying on in FL for a conference.) I’ve traveled with both of my children before and so far they’ve done well (barring the occasional antsy behavior that comes with being 2 and told to sit in the same spot for several hours.) However, seeing the enormous amount of negative attention this incident has received, I’m petrified of how I’ll be treated if my child so much as makes a “peep!” It’s hard knowing that I’ll be looked upon by many with utter dread and I have to say that it’s difficult not to feel like my every move is going to be scrutinized by EVERYONE! I just hope that there are still some sympathetic people out there who understand that traveling with small children is not easy and that sometimes patience, combined with a genuine helping hand rather than an evil eye, is truly more helpful and appreciated!
One added note… the following is an actual excerpt from a posting I read regarding this incident. I was absolutely appalled and horrified at the advice of this person. Is it just me or does this sound just downright cruel!? As I’ve mentioned I have a 6 month old and I cannot imagine ever doing this to him! I’d love to hear Dr. Cale’s opinion on this persons “techniques!”
Tuesday Jan 23
There was nothing else the airline could do in this situation. The parents DO need to know how to calm their child down. Sounds like the child has developed some very bad habbits which have come back to haunt the parents. There are ways to break a toddler of this without spanking them but you really need to start such an approach very early on with the child (6 months old) for it to be effective in the long term. What tactics would work? This going to sound bizzare but it works…Starting at six months old, if the child is screaming and you know there is nothing wrong with the child, pick the child up, put your nose on theirs and mimick their crying. After a minute, they get a confused look on their face they begin to calm down and after a few months of this they stop excessive crying unless there is something truly wrong with them. Weird but effective, and done without spanking the child…..
Tag:
Posted: February 4th, 2007 under In the News, Behavior Topics, Public behavior by Mama Bear NYC.
Comments: 4
If you found this page useful, consider linking to it.
Simply copy and paste the code below into your web site (Ctrl+C to copy)
It will look like this: Afraid To Fly
Comments
Comment from Dr. Randy Cale
Time: February 4, 2007, 9:34 am
Well, we have all been there…falling in the trap of judging others and their parenting. It happens.
I think what is important here is to see how one incident can serve to be a source of learning for everyone.
First, we can all begin with tolerance. As Mama Bear points out in her post, we cannot know the path this family has walked. We can only project our story upon them.
But we must remember…we just can’t really know. If we remember that…it keeps us humble because we realize that we can only create a “made up story” about this family and their situation. We can’t really know.
Secondly, we have all been there…annoyed and frustrated with a challenging child because we are exhausted, started our day at 4am, traveled with two kids of our own and, of course, WE have handled things with such grace and ease…NOT!
Anyway, we can all relate to our humanness coming to the forefront and feeling the sense of being annoyed and frustrated. We have all had to take a breath, and remember what it’s like to be those shoes, when your son or daughter is acting up.
So some people get annoyed and angry…We can also see all those angry folks in a more compassionate way…just lost in their story that they really “DO KNOW”…when they really don’t know (remember point one above!).
Whether the airline handled it right or wrong, who is really to say? There is a point where we all expect tolerance, and most of us are pretty good at it. I assume the situation must have been extreme to warrant such action. I don’t think most parents need to worry about the occasional tantrum or upset child. Based purely on the statistical probabilities, a parent struggling with a difficult child is about a 1000 times more likely to get kicked out of daycare tomorrow than get kicked off an airplane.
Having said that however, the reality is that we are always better off staying in our own business. For most of us, my business is really my family. So in other words…this is really about how we manage things in our own families.
How do manage your child’s behavior in public?
Okay, to begin with…I don’t recommend the scream and cry in your child’s face? Why?
Because it violates every principle I teach in my Terrific Parenting materials, and it goes against every finding we have uncovered in the world of parenting and behavior management.
It sounds like desperation to me…and reminds me too much of the scene I observed in Starbucks this week…where an out of control dad is screaming profanities at his 3 year old for not buckling his seat belt. It makes no sense to model the very behavior you want to eliminate.
Enough of that.
Instead, it makes sense to “teach” your kids how to control their behavior in public. I will come back tomorrow to offer some specific tips on how to do this.
Randy L. Cale, PhD
Comment from Sandra Kay Miller
Time: February 6, 2007, 6:09 am
As a former frequent traveler, I too, used to become extremely put off by screaming kids on airplanes and in airports until I learned the trick. Help the parent. Usually, not only are they trying to juggle a screaming toddler, but their luggage as well. Helping a parent in this situation not only calms the parent, but the child, too. They become curious as to who the ‘new person’ is and begin to settle down. Don’t be part of the problem, be part of the solution.
Comment from Mrs Mom
Time: February 6, 2007, 9:41 am
I’ve read the article about this in a few newspapers. It’s the same AP piece over and over again. No one has published any more information about what happened (or at least I’ve been unable to find it). What I mean to say is that we have so very little information about what happened. Because of that, we all have to rely on our own background and experience to try to visualize it for ourselves.
As someone who was a consultant for years and flew a minimum of two flights a week for over seven years, I’d have to say that I doubt that this was a knee-jerk reaction on the part of the airline or the flight attendants who were present. I’m sure they thought about it before they asked the family to leave the airplane. Kids HORRIBLY misbehave on airplanes and in airports daily without anyone getting any kind of reaction from the airline. Therefore, I have to think that this was an extreme situation if the airline employees felt they needed to take action.
What I have read is that the flight was already delayed 15 minutes. The airline has a business to run. They need to stay on schedule, and they have to consider all the other passengers as well. If in 15 minutes time the parents couldn’t get their child calmed down enough to get her buckled into her seat, what’s the airline’s alternative? A three year old is required to be in her own seat for safety reasons; A parent isn’t allowed to hold the child in his/her lap… But it sounds like that wasn’t an option for the parents either.
I have been in many airplanes, restaurants, stores, and plenty of other public places where a child is acting badly and disturbing other customers. I’m sure that everyone reading this can think of plenty of times when that has been the case for them too. The business management and other employees simply do not react. There’s plenty of reasons for this, but the bottom line is probably that they’re trying to treat all customers equally and also refrain from getting involved. Again, this leads me to believe that the situation on the airline in Florida had to be very extreme for the airline to take action.
I’m not saying that what the airline did was right, nor was it wrong. I don’t have enough information to make that assessment. But I am saying that I’ll bet they felt like they had to do something in order to put the situation behind them and get back to their schedule, and make sure other passengers were receiving the service that they paid for.
As for the suggestion to get in the face of a crying baby and mimic the crying… I’d have to offer up a big, huge NO! That might shock a child into stopping, but in the long run what are you teaching that child? It sounds disrepectful, mean, rude, and insulting, and borders on abusive — in my opinion. I’m a fairly stern disciplinarian, but I consider that to be over the top. It’s not discipline. Discipline is not supposed to be punishment. It’s supposed to TEACH.
And as a final note, I just want to say that I think that it’s too bad that this incident has drawn so much attention. First, because that poor family must be very, very embarrassed. Whether they are not the greatest parents or just the victims of a huge misunderstanding, I’m sure they’re humiliated beyond belief and that’s something they’re going to have to live with for a long time until the feeling wears off. And secondly, this seems to be something that has struck a chord with so many people. People are talking about it because it’s similar to something that we’ve all experienced from time to time. Whether we’re out shopping, trying to enjoy a meal out in a restaurant, watch a movie in a theater with our kids, sit on an airplane, or many other scenarios, we’ve all been bugged by kids who are ill-behaved and parents who won’t parent them. It’s becoming a national epidemic, and I think it’s why this story has gotten so much attention. Parenting is becoming a lost “art” (for lack of a better term). Based on the public reaction to this story, I’d say that it’s impacting us all.
Comment from Phyllis
Time: February 6, 2007, 4:11 pm
I like to hear both sides of the story, so thanx to you all for your prudent and thoughtful comments!
A wonderful school psychologist offered me some free advice before we went on a long road trip to Florida - Mom was prepared with a “bag of tricks” that the kids knew I had and which was all under my control! Whenever they were really good for an hour or longer, I pulled something out and rewarded them for their “good” behavior. Dollar store items were great! The other thing we did was to “practice” what would happen if they acted up in the car. We were very firm for a few weeks before we left, and we had a consequence we followed through with ahead of time. It was safe but uncomfortable. If the backseat offense did not end, my husband and I would pull over at a safe spot, and calmly get the offending child out of the car and put them in “time out”. We would wait the amount of time required, outside of the car, and extend it if the behavior would not end. They both got the message, in advance! My daughter was three at the time of our “training”. We had all kinds of rewards planned along the way, too.
Having “been there” with young children traveling, I am much more sensitive to parents with unruly children. Most people without their own personal experiences will probably never “get it”. Don’t expect them to. I remember traveling with my daughter when she was 2 1/2. I was so prepared in my airplane seat. She was constantly amused, and very “busy” during the flight. She finally fell asleep as we were landing. I commented to the young woman who sat next to me, thanking her for her patience. In an exasperated voice and unkind tone, she remarked that this was the “worst flight” she had ever been on because of my daughter. I was shocked! After an hour of reviewing all that had happened, I started to laugh. Imagine if my daughter was REALLY misbehaving, that woman had no idea how hard I had worked, planned, and felt so successful - and in one short moment, she blew me away. I moved on, feeling sorry for her limited view of the gift of children and the moments she will never cherish in her life!
Write a comment